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Author Topic: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general  (Read 3227 times)

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Offline PurplejayTopic starter

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Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« on: September 14, 2014, 05:46:39 PM »
As some of you will know, my mum who suffered with vascular dementia passed away in June. Its been really tough and I find every few days something unrelated will set me off again. Driving is my worst time. I do a lot of thinking while I am driving. I thought as she had been ill for so long and not been herself that I had done a lot of grieving already and was prepared but no. While she was here I took each day as it came and dealt with all the things that cropped up. I juggled home, work and child care along with my mess of a marriage/separation with visits to mum and felt guilty for not visiting her more.  I missed chatting with her and worried about her and hated to watch her suffer but I still didn't want her to go. She was still my mum even on those days when she didn't know me anymore. Preparing for the funeral and chatting with relatives brought back a lot of happy memories of her, things I hadn't thought about for a long time because she has been old and ill and difficult and well that makes me sad too. Dementia is so cruel and she suffered so much.

My husband has been really supportive, both while mum was at the end of her life and since, helping with M and the house (massively preparing for the funeral when I wanted everything to be just right) and generally being easy to be around. We have been spending more time together and have even been away again over the summer holidays. The first time was camping and we did fight quite a bit but the second was really nice and much more like the family we used to be. I find myself wondering if there is a chance for us to work things out which seems bonkers after all we have been through. I know he has let me down before, been sorry and still done it again so I have no reason to trust him.

When someone dies it can make you look at things differently though. My head is all over the place. Aside from this, I have wondered about a career break/change and maybe some extended travel, which is something I wouldn't consider while mum was alive (when I moved 8 miles away she acted like I was going to the moon).

I was wondering if anyone has experiences these thoughts following a bereavement (or other life changing occurrence) and if you acted on them...
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"

Offline Foggy

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2014, 07:02:05 PM »
Hi. I have not suffered a bereavement in the midst of everything else you have going on. When my mum passed my marriage was still stable and everything else was OK .... but, I would say DO NOT make any life changing decisions yet !  A bit of  travel might be a good idea, to remove yourself from the old life and look at things anew.

Getting back with your ex might be on the cards, but not now. It could be that he will become a very good friend, rather than a partner again, and you have to be sure of things with M involved.

Offline PurplejayTopic starter

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2014, 09:16:04 PM »
Thanks, yes definitely not a time for big decisions. I am surprised I guess with how I feel.

Biggest decision for now will be which tent to buy next and it has to be one I can handle solo or with a bit of help from M!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"

Offline WT4

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2014, 08:02:54 AM »
Hi

Death certainly does put life into perspective.

Now is definitely a good time to take the foot off the pedal and let the dust settle.

Concentrate on the little one perhaps ... if you need the distraction of practicalities.

You know where I am if you need to chat.

/hugs
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Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2014, 08:45:45 AM »
Hi purplejay,

Sorry to read that your mum has passed away, I didn't know until I read this post but I do remember your previous posts that described the situation.

Losing a much loved parent is always hard, no matter how poorly they had been or for how long.  Allow yourself to grieve, but remember that your mum would have wanted you to continue to enjoy life and make the most of it.  We are both mothers ourselves and that's what we'd want for our children too when our time finally comes.

With grief comes vulnerability, and you will be looking at your husband in a different way and judging him on how he is behaving now in your time of grief.  I did the same with my ex, as he too was patient and kind when my dad died.  However, it didn't last long and he soon reverted to his normal ways and his patience with my grief soon ran out.  It's great that your husband is helping you at this time, but the death of your dear mum is not going to change him permanently, and the issues you always had are likely to return.  Please don't blindly go back in to a relationship with him through grief, make sure that if you do it is for the right reasons. 

Something that may help you to focus on the positive and in memory of your mum and her illness is to become a Dementia Friends Champion.  I did this training a couple of months ago to find out more about dementia as my uncle has now got it and I wanted to understand it more to support my auntie.  It is free to attend and at the end of the day, if you want to, you are able to go and talk to groups of people as a 'Champion' to raise awareness of people living with dementia and what it means.  I found it really helpful, and the analogies that they use to help people understand are pretty amazing.  If you don't want to become a 'Champion' then you become a 'Dementia Friend' - something you are already from what you have been through I know.  I've already passed my knowledge on to friends and family and it has made them think differently.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=2162&pageNumber=6

Big hugs to you, I'm sure you will be coping as best as you can - just allow yourself as much time as it takes to grieve x
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline Dad Of One

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2014, 09:29:24 AM »


Losing a parent is difficult even when you know its coming  :'(

I lost my Dad a couple of months ago, we all knew that his time was coming - months, weeks days...........   :'(

It didn't make it any easier


I think about him every day, I miss him every day, my lad misses his 'Gramps/Grumps' every day  :(
"Be the best that YOU can be & Do the best that YOU can do"                   Who could ask for anything more...........

Offline PurplejayTopic starter

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Re: Loss of mum and rethinking life in general
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2014, 09:49:22 PM »
Thanks guys, much appreciated.

Sorry to hear of your recent loss Dad of One. M also misses his Grandma although he missed her when she went into hospital too as they were very close and she used to live with us. They hadn't been able to talk for a long time but she kept dog eared photos of him in her hand bag and used to beam from ear to ear on a good day when he gave her a kiss. We talk about her often.

Cushion plumper, the Alzheimers Society and Talking Point in particular were a huge support for me when mum was first diagnosed so I will go on there to share my experiences from time to time. I have found it hard to post recently though and really need a break from it all. Maybe the things you suggest will be something for the future. Raising awareness is always a good thing as many people know little until it affects them, I suppose the same is of many things. I wish I had known more when Mum lived with me. Much is put down to old age when there was really more to it. She always perked up when the Dr came!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"

 

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