Author Topic: IIUT expect unerstanding from single without kids to understand. (Read 492 times)

Ms_wormwood · « **on:** January 24, 2012, 03:17:52 PM »

Had a bit of a moan at lunch with a married with kid and a not-single but not living with partner no kids about, well... life situations.
Married with kid has a stay at home dad, and so does not quite understand how stressful it is to be alone, but understands how annoying 3 year olds can be and gets that I can't tag team.
The other I really like, but when I said I'm so lonely she couldn't understand that M wasn't enough. She wants to move in with her boyfriend, who she only sees once a week and so she knows what it's like to be alone

. I pointed out that its not the same as I can't just go out and see friends, or go to the pub, and she said I could. The married with kid and I tried to point out that when you go out with a small child, you are out with a small child. There is no real interaction with the 'real world' as you always have an eye and ear turned on them. She insisted that I could just leave my daughter with friends or her mum (whom I've not met!).
Honestly, I know we moan occasionally about married with kids, but single (not even really) without kids are soooooo clueless.

Mand · « **Reply #1 on:** January 24, 2012, 04:43:21 PM »

What's IIUT ?

Lol I don't think anyone knows what its really like until they are swk. They think they do tho

Ms_wormwood · « **Reply #2 on:** January 24, 2012, 04:45:39 PM »

Is it unreasonable to.....

And even then, it's different for each family. But yeah. What was funny was that about 10 minutes after I wrote that post she asked if I wanted to go see a band play tonight........ Urm, Still a single parent by the way, not changed in the last 3 hours.

Cushion Plumper · « **Reply #3 on:** January 24, 2012, 07:22:31 PM »

You should have said "yeah I'd love to... are you babysitting for me then?"

Dora · « **Reply #4 on:** January 24, 2012, 08:20:08 PM »

CP that made me laugh!

I think there are 3 key things here - those who have no idea, those that can be sympathetic and those that can be empathetic, and I reckon that goes for all sorts of situations. Your friend obviously falls into the first category - she's gonna have a massive shock if she ever has a child!

WT4 · « **Reply #5 on:** January 24, 2012, 09:07:51 PM »

John Wilmot (2nd Earl of Rochester)
(English Poet, 1647-1680)

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.”

helencitauk · « **Reply #6 on:** January 24, 2012, 11:03:03 PM »

The first thing that sprang to mind reading about Ms Clueless in your post, Bananabread, is a conversation I witnessed between two of my colleagues. One is a dad, the other a bachelor with no kids. The latter was trying to twist the former's arm to go and see a band playing live. I guess that the dad was feeling largely as many of us do under such circumstances, even though he could in theory have left his wife to do the slog while he waltzed off into the sunset: why aren't you getting the message that I can't just do as I please, when I please because I'm a grown up with responsibilities?

On a more serious note, the fundamental reason why I've been off sick for four months is because my line manager is single without kids and couldn't understand my application for part time work because of the unbearable levels of stress I was enduring and the lack of childcare.

lulubird · « **Reply #7 on:** January 25, 2012, 02:48:59 PM »

Quote from: BananaBread on January 24, 2012, 03:17:52 PM

Honestly, I know we moan occasionally about married with kids, but single (not even really) without kids are soooooo clueless.

A single without kids 'friend' of mine dropped me recently because I was not available for her at 9.30pm one night when she needed to talk about a crisis. She went instead to another single without kids friend of ours and talked to her. I apologised for not being available to her, but this was not enough, and she has not spoken to me since! The other 'friend' got into an argument with me about how I should not be upset about it, and I tried to explain that it is very hard being a single parent and not being able to drop everything at a moment's notice and her reply was "This has nothing to do with you being a single parent." I saw red I can tell you!!! Anyway, 'friend' number two has since dropped me as well! Very upsetting for me, but I also think that if that is their attitude, then I am better off without them.

So, to answer your question, I don't think we can expect understanding from single people without kids, but their lack of understanding and therefore support can be REALLY annoying and hurtful.

david-viney · « **Reply #8 on:** January 25, 2012, 03:49:55 PM »

Quote from: Cushion Plumper on January 24, 2012, 07:22:31 PM

You should have said "yeah I'd love to... are you babysitting for me then?"

Ha ha B! Excellent!

Or even better... " I'll just bring the little one along then! Do they have a ball pit? "

D.

RunningGirl · « **Reply #9 on:** January 26, 2012, 12:01:18 PM »

True. Until you have children you have no idea. And then to become single? I was never expecting that. In my school all the mums in one class go out for pizza every 6 weeks, they don't understand why I just can't get a babysitter?
Well, because a school night is then going to cost me in the region of £40 for a chat with a load of people I don't really know.
One thing being SWK has taught me, and that's compassion - I rarely judge anyone now. Plus I have very low expectations ... oh the joys !!! (moan over for me too)

Deborah43 · « **Reply #10 on:** January 26, 2012, 12:58:09 PM »

Once upon a time I was that clueless single without kids person. Now I am not. And tbh even when I was *in a relationship with kids* person I couldn't go out that often cos my *built-in baby sitter* was never around. In fact I'm slightly better off now cos at least he babysits once a week so I can go to dance practice, and has the kids just about every other weekend.

I don't think anyone without children, unless they are particularly understanding, will ever "get it". Going out is about money, priorities, energy.....

Lulubird - that's a real shame you have lost a couple of friends - you never know, maybe one day, when their circumstances change they'll realise how silly they were.

helencitauk · « **Reply #11 on:** January 26, 2012, 02:07:16 PM »

Quote from: RunningGirl on January 26, 2012, 12:01:18 PM

In my school all the mums in one class go out for pizza every 6 weeks, they don't understand why I just can't get a babysitter?
Well, because a school night is then going to cost me in the region of £40 for a chat with a load of people I don't really know.

Yes, that is the clincher.

On the plus side of being a parent, single or not, I do have a much better relationship with my sister now as I didn't 'get it' when she had kids but I still didn't.

RunningGirl · « **Reply #12 on:** February 04, 2012, 11:53:08 AM »

True, I think the world is separated into people with kids and people without kids. Even the most rubbish parent can understand the school run / bedtime / teatime / etc, while if you've not got kids you've generally not got a clue. Especially about the stuff that you as a parent have to give up on. Like time to yourself, and shopping, and lie-ins and sleep....
Sleeeeeeeeeep... without a damp child who's jsut taken off his nappy and wants to warm up against me ... now how can a non parent understand that!!!
Or how if there's an accident in mummys bed we all just shift over to avoid the damp spot !!!
God - if I thought this would be me I don't think I would have gone through with it !!!
I remember asking the midwife .. 'I'm rubbish at poo, do you think i'll be ok with nappies?' Oh, how she laughed! She must have thought - in 5 years honey, you won't even blink an eye at it !!

WT4 · « **Reply #13 on:** February 04, 2012, 12:35:44 PM »

Yesterday evening, while the bairn was at Beavers, I nipped into the local for a quick pint. Found myself in conversation with a couple of teachers from the school. One of them was recalling how, when she was a young fresh-faced teacher straight out of college, she would berate parents for not making sure their kids were at school on time in clean/pressed uniform - she was very embarrased and laughing at herself.

So far so good - lesson learned.

But, she went on a bit (too much) and it was clear as muck that she had not learned to look past her own experience as she really had no idea what it's like to be a single parent.

RunningGirl · « **Reply #14 on:** February 04, 2012, 01:07:41 PM »

clean and pressed uniform?? I've forgotten where my iron is.. and being 4 and 5 they sometimes have to wear the same jumper 2 days in a row... and sometimes its not very clean either... either that or I would have to have 10 jumpers!

hey ho. at least I make sure they go to school and are never late.
Being SWK has taught me not to judge.
A bit more compassion and the world would be a better place.

helencitauk · « **Reply #15 on:** February 04, 2012, 01:51:01 PM »

My daughter wears the same skirt and cardigan for a whole week, even if there is lunch and glue all over them. The polo shirts get changed every couple of days, unless they are really dirty.

Round the corner, one of her friend's wears a completely clean uniform every day - her mum was complaining that she also changed the girls pyjamas every day and then the girl also had non-school uniform every day...... I couldn't bring myself to give myself sooo much work to do!!!

WT4 · « **Reply #16 on:** February 04, 2012, 10:19:59 PM »

Quote from: RunningGirl on February 04, 2012, 01:07:41 PM

I've forgotten where my iron is..

Found the iron (and board) after the ex had wandered off.

Went to use it once - found it was broken. Decided nothing in life is that important.

RunningGirl · « **Reply #17 on:** February 06, 2012, 11:20:45 AM »

Quote from: WT4 on February 04, 2012, 10:19:59 PM

Went to use it once - found it was broken. Decided nothing in life is that important.

Same here, I'm currently fighting against judgemental people. Try being us for a week and see how well you manage!

WT4 · « **Reply #18 on:** February 06, 2012, 11:46:53 AM »

Quote from: RunningGirl on February 06, 2012, 11:20:45 AM

Quote from: WT4 on February 04, 2012, 10:19:59 PM
Went to use it once - found it was broken. Decided nothing in life is that important.

Same here, I'm currently fighting against judgemental people. Try being us for a week and see how well you manage!

Aye - Have more than my fair share of sh*tty days here (it seems), but coping far better than I would have imagined (if I'd thought about it at all) - have even worked out a technique for ensuring the scout group scarf is nicely turned out - without having an iron

repeat:: I have no time or energy to engage with other people's priorities/problems - we're busy, the shop/bar is shut, closed, we've gone home/out/away. We're not in ... and are not likely to be back for the foreseeable future. If you're not part of the solution, you really are part of the problem. /repeat

annecoates · « **Reply #19 on:** February 06, 2012, 11:57:55 AM »

Oh I don't iron but I do put them in a clean uniform every day. It never occured to me not to. Mmmm this has possibilities

LAK · « **Reply #20 on:** February 06, 2012, 12:15:53 PM »

I'm a bit of a clean freak so we all wear clean clothes every day, my 5 year old has a completely clean uniform every day and my teenager keeps telling me that I'm the only mum that washes her blazer every single week. I actually enjoy washing and ironing (but don't even talk to me about dusting and hoovering

)

It is about priorities though. For me I'm happy if we're all clean, fed and happy and I meet any work/study commitments and the girls have done their homework/revision. Anything else can wait (or not get done at all!!) so the house is often a mess and it always needs hoovering!

As for the car, it's such a mess. My next door neighbour cleans his car and hoovers it every Sat morning. I used to before I had children but now it's so low on my list of priorities that it doesn't even get on the list.

helencitauk · « **Reply #21 on:** February 06, 2012, 07:22:17 PM »

How does he hoover the car when it's raining or snowy? I would clean my car out but alas it always rains on the days when I think that job might be a possibility.

RunningGirl · « **Reply #22 on:** February 07, 2012, 12:10:41 AM »

I'd love to hoover my car but my extension won't reach to the drive.
Such a shame ... sometimes I feel guilty about it ...
(No-one mention that garages have them too)