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Author Topic: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up  (Read 6690 times)

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Offline MissGail67Topic starter

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"Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« on: December 09, 2013, 02:31:15 AM »
This is not for advice about my own child, but a very good friend of mine. He's a single father of 23, with a five year old son. Yesterday the question, "Why don't I have a mommy like all my friends?" came up. He doesn't know what to tell him and it has really torn him up. The mother has been out of the picture his whole life.

I would love some suggestions from y'all, especially those that have been in the same position. He needs the help and I can't quite come up with the Dr. Phil advice of what he should say. It will be much appreciated

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2013, 06:14:17 AM »
The truth, but softened.
More, mummy and daddy couldn't live together and we decided that you would live with me because I can give you a better life than mummy can, it was hard for mummy, but we both love you and want what's best' than 'the heartless cow wanted nothing to do with you'. But only your friend knows the truth of the situation and knows in what way to present it.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline WT4

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2013, 08:20:06 AM »
The truth, but softened.

Definitely this ^^^

... be careful of white lies, they have a nasty habit of growing into great big insurmountable obstacles when you're not looking.

If the Dad is still in contact with the Mother, he could ask her for input - might nudge her conscience.
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline Silky

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2013, 12:43:30 PM »
I agree WT4 however "softened" doesn't necessarily mean lying, but rather sugar coating? Don't leave the door open to misinterpretation and false hopes, but telling the truth without any hard, hurtful edges - if that makes sense...

Hope can often be the killer in these situations and it's probably best to try and nip this in the bud early on so the child doesn't have any unrealistic dreams that will lead to them getting hurt along the way.

On the positive side, there are a wide number of children on here with very little or no contact with one parent and they're happy, balanced and performing well. The key thing is the child feels surrounded by love, whether it's from one parent, two, a carer or grandchild, or all of the above.

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline WT4

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2013, 12:53:40 PM »
The key thing is the child feels surrounded by love

Damn right - takes a heap of love to counteract the negative effect of peer pressure to feel not normal.
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2013, 01:07:41 PM »
I agree with the others here.  A gentle version of the truth of why she doesn't have a mummy may be the best option.  However, as we don't know the reason then this is just a common sense suggestion at this time.  If she is in prison for murder then this may be harder to answer!

My son is one of the ones included in Silky's summing up.  He sees his father for a few weeks about every nine months due to overseas living.  My son has had his issues with this over the years but now seems to have come to terms with the situation and is quite happy, has a loving family that includes his paternal grandparents and is doing very well at school.  He goes off to Australia in a few days for Christmas and New Year.  A few of his school friends are quite envious of this and  one said to him "you're so lucky, I wish my dad lived in Australia so I could go there on holiday" and my son replied "I'm not lucky, I'd rather have my dad all the time like you have".

It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline lukesdad

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2013, 04:42:51 PM »
I'm sure I will have a very similar question like this being asked to me by my son (4 nearly 5).

Only the question that Luke will ask me is  "Why do I live with you daddy and not my mummy like all of my friends in school?"

I will need similar advice when answering this question.
The greatest jewels are the arms of your children around your neck.

Corf neledh 'nin Ellerain nui venel, Odo'ni Nauhírath vi rynd gonui în, Neder'ni Fîr Fírib beraid fíred, Êr am Morchír bo morn-orchamm dîn Vi Dor e-Mordor ias i Ndúath caedar. Er-chorf a thorthad hain bain, Er-chorf a chired

Offline WT4

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2013, 05:01:31 PM »
I will need similar advice

Answer is the same mate ... gently

Best start working on the response now.
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline lukesdad

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2013, 01:12:48 PM »
WT4

He hasn't starting asking yet but I will be gentle with him.

One thing I would like to say is that no matter how much his mum winds me up or annoys, I never ever disrespect her name in front of him, despite our `dislike` for each other.
The greatest jewels are the arms of your children around your neck.

Corf neledh 'nin Ellerain nui venel, Odo'ni Nauhírath vi rynd gonui în, Neder'ni Fîr Fírib beraid fíred, Êr am Morchír bo morn-orchamm dîn Vi Dor e-Mordor ias i Ndúath caedar. Er-chorf a thorthad hain bain, Er-chorf a chired

Offline debs2702

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2013, 05:57:06 PM »
One thing I would like to say is that no matter how much his mum winds me up or annoys, I never ever disrespect her name in front of him, despite our `dislike` for each other.

You don't realise how important this is.  Well done :-)  Its paramount to put aside the hostility in the best interests of the child in front of them, otherwise they are stuck in no mans lands, which is not fair.

The truth is always best but... as others say on here very gently but so as to quash any hopes that he may have that mummy is not suddenly going to walk in his life if he does this or does that.  I'm with WT4, ask for her input if you still in contact, might nudge a tiny shred of conscience.  How anyone can just walk away from their own flesh and blood is totally beyond me!  Good luck x
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

Offline jodieh12

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2013, 10:45:01 AM »
I'm with you about the white lies - I told Natalie her Dad loves her very much but I didn't know why he didn't visit but she's just starting to understand that Dad couldn't give a flying **** about her and asked the other day "how did you know Dad loved me if he wasn't around!".  Hmm what to say now...

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2013, 11:08:45 AM »
I'm with you about the white lies - I told Natalie her Dad loves her very much but I didn't know why he didn't visit but she's just starting to understand that Dad couldn't give a flying **** about her and asked the other day "how did you know Dad loved me if he wasn't around!".  Hmm what to say now...

Who wouldn't love you? That's why he's staying away, because he knows he would be bad for you? When he left he told me so?  Hard one :/


Onwards and upwards.

Offline Silky

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2013, 02:56:33 PM »
I'm with you about the white lies - I told Natalie her Dad loves her very much but I didn't know why he didn't visit but she's just starting to understand that Dad couldn't give a flying **** about her and asked the other day "how did you know Dad loved me if he wasn't around!".  Hmm what to say now...

Because parents love their children unconditionally and because she's your world, it's only natural to think every parent would feel the same?

Unfortunately there are sometimes exceptions...  :-\

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Mumof4boys

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2013, 10:52:19 PM »
Defiantly tell the truth, with no frills, or exaggeration of the truth, because its probably bad enough as it is. But it has to be very soft and sugar coated. Good luck.

Offline MissGail67Topic starter

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2013, 06:25:03 AM »
Thank you guys, the advice is very helpful

Offline That Brummie

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Re: "Why don't I have a mommy..?" Question has come up
« Reply #15 on: December 24, 2013, 10:06:48 PM »
The others have covered it pretty well but here's a few things I've used over the years (in the same situation with my sons father not seeing him)

- I talk about different types of families a lot, and did so even before the questions started. I'd make positive comments about anything to do with different families "Ooh isn't it lovely that P's granny lives with him"  "How funny that N has 2 brothers and B has two sisters" and so on, just to make him see that all families have different dynamics.

- I have avoided the harsh truth but tried not to lie.

-When faced with the "Does he love me/why doesn't he love me" type questions I've said things like "All I know is that everyone that knows you loves you and thinks you're fantastic, so I'm pretty sure if he knew you he'd think the same too"

-When he needs answers to "why" and I don't have them, I usually talk about grown up decisions and that maybe he made decisions that we might not think were good ones but had his reasons for thinking that was OK.

-and I tell him that I love him enough for 2 parents...200 parents even!

Good luck to your friend, they should stop by here and soak up more of our wisdom ;-)

 

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