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Author Topic: new to being a single dad  (Read 4872 times)

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Offline charles hdTopic starter

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new to being a single dad
« on: August 28, 2013, 07:32:09 PM »
Hey fellas, my children's mother ended up giving me our to kiddies they are 1 and 2 ,  there was bit more to it but I felt they should be with me then her, but I had to quit my job etc but moved to my mum and dads with em sleeping on sofa till I get housed with them, last thing I wanted all this but your lil angels come first, I'm basicly start from the bottom of the barrel with them,   there mum went behind me back with another man 5months ago a course we split but during that time she lost interest in the kids,    I feel so anxious and worryed and scared but thing is I not sure why millions of thing going thru my head  was hoping to get some advice an see if I'm only one  :-\,     thanks for reading

Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2013, 07:59:39 PM »
Hello Charles
Don't be afraid.

I find it fascinating and refreshing that more and more dads are getting custody of their kids instead of instantly going to mothers and some mothers that don't deserve or want them.

I know Stuart, lukesdad and grant are all single dads with full custody of their kids and great job they are doing may I add after meeting their children at the weekend after our camp. And I'm sure they will be on here soon offering you great advice from a mans perspective but us ladies can offer you great advice too.

You will be entitiled to tax credits, child benefit, etc.   

It sounds like you have your hands full with two young oneS but sounds like you have great family support who take you and two children on and no income so you will be ok it can only get better.

Keep us updated .......xx

Offline charles hdTopic starter

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2013, 08:28:00 PM »
Aw thanks for warm welcome.  Not got full custody just yet but its all in my favor an she's saying she won't fight but I got to get a residence order so I know she won't try come back but I don't know how to go about that or how to cut her rights. I called all the benefits and stuff, my next stage is find us a home now,  I cut most of my friends off few years ago cause lot of them was trouble an up to no good, and after that I just concentrated on my family until she went to a greener grass lol,  I know I got family but they got busy lives and I keep thinking when I get our place we gonna be so lonely together, feels like who wants to know a dad with 2 kids.  All this is a whole new world to me now feel alien if u know what I mean,                               I love my baby's an wanna give them they best, an all I think about is stuck on benefits and lonely nights,      Thanks again  :)

Offline WT4

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2013, 08:38:15 PM »
I feel so anxious and worryed and scared but thing is I not sure why millions of thing going thru my head  was hoping to get some advice an see if I'm only one

First off, you're definitely not the only one - there are over 200,000 Single Dads (with residence) in the UK - the profile of these is mostly divorce/separation and a smaller proportion are widowers.  One thing is for sure ... 99.9% are in their situation as a result of trauma (death, divorce), there aren't many elective Single Dads.

There will always be a million questions and things to do post trauma, the best advice I can offer you is to take one step, deal with one issue, at a time.  You cannot expect to deal with everything at once so there's no need to beat yourself up over what you perceive as an inability to cope.

Keep posting here ... perhaps read through a heap of older threads, get a feel for the place.

One more thing ... children grow and change, you will grow with them.  Your life in a year will not be recognisable from where you are now.  Enjoy every step.
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2013, 08:44:19 PM »
Well firstly massive respect to you (as dads) taking on the kids an realising how hard the job really is as some dads who are part time or simply not interested dont get how hard it is. Again some mums are they same.

Your right to say your baby's are the most important things in your life and its lovely to hear you be positive about their futures.  And at this moment in time you don't need to know the who wants a man with two kids as firstly it's the last thing you need right now and second you will be surprised what you may find.

I'm not on benefits and all the media says they have the life of Riley but that's only if yr a scrote who knows how to play the system, however those I know on benefits and genuinely want to work or work part time find it extremely difficult to survive. But they do. Even thou I work, I rent a property and find it a relief as when things go wrong it doesn't cost me but my landlord and he's a gem so that makes me not want to buy my own place. But still I survive with a struggle and severe cut backs. Although make sure I fit a swk holiday in throughout the year.

Well done for cutting ties with those who are not worthy of your time or possible cause your family probs that's a huge step. Try taking up a new hobbie, attending parent and babies groups in your area to meet other parents, as you are now on benefits take up a course at college start a new career path you should be entitled to free child care to attend, speak to health visitor on groups available. Routine is a must for your children provides stability and time for you. There is plenty of things to do with the kids that are free and even just bedtime stories is valuable time that is so special.

Tell your parents when your struggling, how much you love them and appreciate their help, assist in cleaning their house etc

You will make new friends in time and there's plenty on here to offer advice, sarcasism, play devils advocate etc etc. unforts your kids a your life and right now are so young they depend on you so your life has to take a step back but believe me you get your life back envetually.

Speak to others ask around people sometimes know someone who is renting a house that's is not hugely advertised, you may have to move areas to get want suits although hard when family support is required but I've managed by moving away from family to get the perfect house but work near them for childcare.

Come on dads help him out here as I don't know how blokes think when they have the kids but respect all parents

Offline charles hdTopic starter

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2013, 09:03:53 PM »
So glad I joined up here, gonna have the evening looking around more defo.   Does anyone know about how to get a residence order or something along them lines, just worryed she try take them when we settled etc,   but honestly I'm not a bad guy only reason I took them  because she used to swear scream and shout smoke wacky backy round em, but the social services are in middle of investagting it all along with police, she now claiming ESA and gave kiddies home up now all this since Sunday so things have moved fast

Offline SM2

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2013, 09:16:53 PM »
Hi Charles and welcome

You're best bet is to make an appointment with a family solicitor who will be able to help you through with a residency order and any other matters in regards to you getting full custody etc.


Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2013, 09:22:48 PM »
You don't need a solicitor to go to court and get residency orders.

First solicitors cost far too much money for what they actually do and achieve especially if you have yr head screwed on and can fill in paperwork and just be genuine and focus on kids best interests.

Go to your local family court they will provide you with the correct form to apply to the courts it's a application form, a date will be set and cafcass see both of you then you see a judge then they send you away and await another court date usually to supply what the judge request from previous hearing I.e evidence etc. along as no danger to children,major disagreements from both parents should be easily obtained.
You can download the forms off the court website (needs to be your local court) but this can be tricky getting the right on so easier to go in to court reception. Everyone has different views and experience of cafcass great,bad and some traumatic but they have a useful website for advice too. 

The best thing to do is stay calm, keep a diary, communicate with mother via email if talking isn't working.

You'll be fine, there will be major highs major lows not just now but forever so ride the waves there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Offline SM2

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2013, 09:24:44 PM »
It's all changed then as I had to go through a solicitor but then that was 14 years ago!

I suggested a solicitor as I would imagine he would get Legal Aid with being on benefits now, so it wouldn't cost?

Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2013, 09:32:53 PM »
Legal aid doesn't work the same anymore and I'm most areas being fazed out. It's not free it's just discounted but still adds up and all they do is fill in the forms that most people are capable of and sit next to you as support and talk for you at great expense when actually no1knows yr kids and circumstances better than you, so as long as you can trust yrself to stay calm, focus on kids interest and nt attack the other parent in front of the judge it is fine. If you are afraid of speaking up in front of yr ex or have a short fuse then a solicitor is worth every penny.

Solicitors are only helpful in very messy situations I.e financial loss, abuse, etc.

However you are entitiled to 30mins free advice with solicitors so u could spend a day at various solicitors offices getting advice

Offline WT4

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2013, 09:39:16 PM »
You don't need a solicitor (or a barrister) if it's not contested.  If there's a fight most folk welcome all the assists they can get.

Come on dads help him out here as I don't know how blokes think when they have the kids

Uhm - I've no idea how other Dads think.

In some respects it's just another job - ok, it's a very special and increadibly rewarding job, but a job nonetheless.  Building a life around the needs of the children can be as easy or as tough as you want to make it.

The profiles are similar for Daddy Mums as they are for Mummy Mums - some work full time, some part time, some not at all.  Some collect maintenance through the CSA, some do it privately, some don't bother.  Some are always running late, crashing into school events at the last minute, others are there in plenty of time to help set up.  Some make a routine that works for their family, others muddle through on a wing and a prayer.

Everyone is unique in how they handle the situation.
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Offline charles hdTopic starter

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2013, 10:04:16 PM »
What if she don't turn up to hearing or court, she can be very jekell and Hyde now she moved out not got a clue where she is now, but she did say she wouldn't fight me for em then she says f u blah blah

Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2013, 10:06:31 PM »
If she doesn't turn up goes in your favour simples. She will get issued with a final court date and if she doesn't turn up cafcass and judge will go for kids best interests which sounds like that's with you.

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2013, 10:15:22 PM »
If she doesn't turn up, the worst that will happen is another court date, but the judge will not think favourably on her.
Take one day at a time, look after your kids AND yourself. Nothing will happen quickly (especially court) so take some time to breathe.
I don't see why you should have to justify because you are a male, the fact is that one parent couldn't cope, the other took responsibility. Sex is not an issue.
Take a step back, look what you have already acheived and see what a great job you are doing. And keep posting here. This is not a group that always says 'yeah.... You're right...' But a group with a lot of different experiences and different viewpoints. You may hear things you don't agree with, you may hear things you do.
But, get a free appointment with a solicitor as they now the current laws, and things have changed so much recently.
Good luck.... And enjoy your kids.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline charles hdTopic starter

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2013, 10:23:48 PM »
Ill say again and again thanks a million people,  I will be staying long time I think,  ;D

Offline lyndsey999

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #15 on: August 28, 2013, 10:27:48 PM »
Good luck xx

Offline georgie_3

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #16 on: August 28, 2013, 10:47:28 PM »
Hi
I just want to say that I think most of us went into panic mode initially! I still do occasionally, as I'm all I have.  Luckily (or not) mine have now realised that, given their dad isn't around again.
If there is a sure start centre near you, go and ask what help you can get, any groups you can go to etc. If not, go to health visitor.
The majority of my friends are ones that I've made through my kids, and if your friends were bad, better to find new ones.  Unfortunately it all takes time! When I left my ex I realised most my friends were married with kids and that I needed to find more that were single or wanted a night out on the town! Two years later I'm always out and made quite a few new friends, n re-linked with some good old ones too.
It takes time and adapting, finding routine, what works for you all etc!

Good luck

:)

Offline WT4

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #17 on: August 28, 2013, 10:57:13 PM »
I will be staying long time I think,  ;D

Best get a tent then - camping season is only 8 short months away.

:)
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Offline charles hdTopic starter

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #18 on: August 28, 2013, 11:59:20 PM »
Best trade my double for a single now ay lol  :)

Offline Suzie

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2013, 12:09:59 AM »
I give you full respect for taking on two young children!! It's so lovely to hear of dads having custody. My husband left me for a younger, prettier model, leaving me to cope with 3 small children and has not seen or been in contact with them for a month now. It's nice to know there are some decent men out there. As for worrying about meeting somebody who is willing to take on your kids, I know exactly how you feel. I've resigned myself to just being on my own with my boys but I'm going to make sure I enjoy every second of it!!!

Offline Mumof4boys

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Re: new to being a single dad
« Reply #20 on: December 06, 2013, 12:09:05 AM »
Wow, good for you for stepping in for the sake of your kids. Don't be scared, take lots of deep breathes and take each day as it comes. You'll do just fine. :)

 

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