step families

Today, at least 2.5 million of all children in the UK are expected to live in a stepfamily before they reach age 16 (some living with, others visiting their step families). The step family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, newfound commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, stepfamilies face many lifestyle adjustments and changes. Fortunately, most of them are able to work out their problems and live together successfully. But it takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.

After a spell living with a long parent – after separation or bereavement - the realisation that one parent has a new boyfriend or girlfriend can be an enormous shock to a child.  The child is facing yet another adjustment after the initial upheaval and it's hardly surprising that such a youngster might become clingy, or show behavioural problems. Unfortunately a parent who is newly in love very frequently gets cross and upset with a child who is 'acting up' and appearing to be doing everything possible to sabotage the new relationship. The parent feels vulnerable after the demise of the last relationship and anxious about sustaining a new one, but this should not blind him or her to the very real anxieties that the children are suffering.

If you are experiencing these feelings in this kind of situation, do try to remember that though you have fallen for this new and wonderful person, your child has not. In fact, the chances are that your child is feeling very strange about your new romance – and deeply worried about what it will mean about their own relationship with you, and with your ex.

Try to remember too that children often perceive the new person as a temporary measure. In fact, they often comfort themselves with this thought, so they certainly are not gong to make a tremendous effort to be likeable to your new lover, no matter how important this person is to you. It is important at this time to make sure that the child is given a lot of love and attention and does not feel that they are being sidelined in your life by the new partner.